Don't Bother None
by RadicalEd57
Summary: It all started after a trip to the café. Why did he have to pick up that wallet? AU Songfic plus ByakuyaxGin equals CRACK!


Author's Notes: Konnichiwa, minna-san! I know, I know. I haven't updated A Series of Tales Full of Hilariousness and I'm _already_ doing another Bleach story? Sorry, but I'm having a bit of a hard time with it. ...Not really. ANYHOO! Well, this is one that was originally Gundam Wing _then_ Rurouni Kenshinand _now_ Bleach. I was cleaning my room and found it lying amongst Psychology, Math, and U.S. Government notes. I decided to redo it after a few ideas hit me! I thought of the original idea and wrote it out in my Keyboarding class my senior year so it might be kinda, like, weird. In short: -ahem- I was bored. Forgive me. -bows-

Warning- AU, CRACK, overall silliness, songfic, shounen ai/yaoi, slight yuri and het, slight Byakuya OOCness, porn star Renji

Pairings- Soi Phon+Urahara+Yoruichi, ByakuyaxGin, AizenxGin

Summary- It all started after a trip to the café. Why did he have to pick up that wallet? Songfic+ByakuyaxGin CRACK!

Disclaimer- Don't own. Don't sue. Don't ask. Don't tell. I don't own Bleach or the song.

-blah- song lyrics

'blah' thoughts

/blah/ notes

\blah\ actions

The song is from Cowboy Bebop and its called Don't Bother None by Yoko Kanno and sung by Mai Yamane.

* * *

**Don't Bother None**

-Readin' my paper in Ray's Café-

Kuchiki Byakuya and Urahara Kisuke were sitting in Ray's Café (surprise surprise). Their friend, Isshin, had recommended it to them. He sat there reading the top news out of his newspaper. He calmly sipped his coffee out of a "Cowboy's Butts Drive Me Nuts!" coffee mug. It would be the last time he let Urahara pick anything out for him.

-The old guy next to me as loud as day

He grumbled and rumbled while eatin' his pie-

Urahara would not shut up! He kept eyeballing the waitress, stealing the precious comics from his newspaper, and told jokes loudly. He noticed Byakuya squirming out of the corner of his eye, deciding him to be his next victim.

"Hey, macaroni head!" the blond man said, mouth full of apple pie, referring to the head ware Byakuya adorned, causing the man to grimace. "What do gay tigers eat?" He waited and shouted out, "Roy!"(1), with glee. He giggled so hard that tears leaked out of his eyes.

Byakuya shot him a death glare and Urahara seemed to get the point and turned away, making faces at the boy seated at the table next to them.

-He dropped his wallet now its mine, uh huh-

Finally his blond companion finished his pie and decided he had no one else to harass. He got up and stretched. "Well, Bya-kun. I have to go make sure Yoruichi didn't tear up the place. Sayonara!"

"..." Byakuya noticed the man's wallet had fallen out when he put his tattered jean jacket on. "Well," he smirked, "what an interesting turn of events."

-Sorry old man, but that's just the way that it is

Don't bother none

Won't help at all to worry 'bout it

Picked up the wallet and slipped outside-

Byakuya looked around cautiously to see if anyone had noticed. When it seemed safe he calmly pocketed the wallet in his trench coat and exited the café.

'Idiot...' he thought, looking smug.

-Walked around, and walked around, walked around town-

Byakuya _obviously_ walked around for awhile.

-I found my nerve and a good place to hide-

Byakuya decided to check out the contents of the wallet. He hid behind a porn shop after staring at a poster of his old co-worker, Renji, in a small, black G-string hanging in the window.

He frowned deeply. "Disgusting..." he grumbled and slipped behind the shop.

-Only to find no cash inside, uh huh!-

Byakuya skimmed through the wallet and stared at a picture of Urahara grinning and giving a thumbs up to the camera as Yoruichi and Soi Phon pawed at his legs. Both women were dressed as black cats and nuzzled his cheeks. ...the ones on his face.

'What the hell is _wrong_ with my "friends"?' he thought, staring unamused at the photo.

He searched the wallet thoroughly and found no money. Not that he needed it or anything.

-Oh well, I guess that's just the way that it is

Don't bother none

Won't help at all to worry 'bout it-

Byakuya shrugged and took out the picture and Urahara's ID, tossing the empty green wallet and pocketing the picture. "Idiot..." he grumbled. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, brought it up to his lips, and exhaled a puff of smoke. Yeah, he smokes! If you had to deal with the utter _twits_ he had to deal with on a daily basis, you'd smoke too!

The picture, he decided, would make excellent black mail. 'Better get that poster of Renji too...'

-I got thirsty so I went to a bar-

After he returned home that night he was hit with a sudden urge to drink, realizing _agua_(2) would not quench his thirst. He did what anyone else would do.

He went to a bar. Geez, are you reading the lyrics at all?

After a drink (READ: a single shot of vodka) he was hammered. He looked up to notice a young, fairly good looking man with silver hair smiling at him with squinted eyes.

-Met a little darlin' with the face of a star-

You can insert your own joke here, but if I were to make a joke it'd be this: \holds up picture of the man's body with a star for a head.\ Are you happy? GEEZ...

Byakuya approached the man, holding out his hand. "B-Baklava..." What was his name again? "Byakuya." he settled on.

"Gin." the silver haired man replied. "Pleased ta meet ya, gorgy.(3) You get drunk easily, ne?" he shook his hand firmly then brought it up to his lips, softly brushing them against the black haired man's knuckles.

"Yeah, I'm little... skunk." he struggled. "So..." Byakuya said, slurring slightly, "why don' we go back to my-" HIC "-place?"

Gin downed whatever was left in his glass. "Sure. Why not?" They both put on their coats and walked out to Byakuya's car...

-In the mornin' woke up to find-

Byakuya awoke to the sun's rays hitting his face. The events of last night coming back to him. He turned to his side to find the man, Gin, wasn't in bed with him. Instead he found a note attached to his pillow that read:

/Listen, I had a great time last night. You did too, ne? Anyhoo, I got a boyfriend and he only lets me play every once in awhile so I gotta go.

Ciao! less than 3 Gin

P.S. Keep it real, bra./

-She stole my car along with my heart, yeah yeah!-

Byakuya started. "What the-" he heard the front door slam and he dashed out of bed pulling on his robe. He looked out his window to find Gin and a man with slicked back, brown hair in a black and white suit making out in _his_ light pink, old school convertible. The man started up the car and they drove away laughing.

"Whatever..." he sighed. 'Wait? _His_ convertible?'

Further search of his garage showed that it was indeed one of his cars they stole. "That whore stole my favorite car!" he fumed.

-Oh well I guess that's just the way that it is

Don't bother none

Won't help at all to worry 'bout it-

He shrugged, making a mental note to order a new one with a car alarm installed. But...

-Wish she'd give me back my heart!-

...he couldn't explain the ache he felt in his chest. He sighed. "And I thought we made a connection. I'm such a fool..."

-Oh well I guess that's just the way that it is

Don't bother none

Won't help at all to worry 'bout it-

Byakuya shrugged indifferently, denying the fact that he had been moping all morning. He got dressed in hopes of convincing a certain tattooed red head and the feline friends of Urahara to dress up for him.

* * *

(1) This is a joke my friend Stephanie told me referring to Sigfreid and Roy. It was a while after Roy got attacked by one of his white tigers (it, like, latched onto his jugular). I live in Vegas, BTW so it was a big story at the time. 

(2) Agua's Spanish for water. Me and my friends like speaking Spanish and constantly "make words Spanish" by adding 'o' on the end.

(3) Gorgy means gorgeous. The Brits say it, I do believe.

The end! Maa, I dun really like it, but at least its like... I dunno, out there or w/e. I really don't expect anyone to review or maybe even read it, but now I feel comfortable throwing it away! XD I hope to get the next part of Tales of Hilariousness up eventually. Be patient, for it is a virtue, ne? Sayonara kiddies!


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